I feel like I am spiraling out of control once again and I hate it. I hate feeling out of control. I hate the changing moods, the anger, the depression I hate it all. At the beginning of this year I really thought I was doing well. I felt more centred, more grounded, happier than I have been in a really long time. Then we found out how sick my dad really is and everything went out of focus, I lost control of it all. I wake up each morning feeling a sadness beyond belief. It stays with me each and every day. I have fleeting moments where the girls make me happy. But that's all just fleeting moments.I'm not usually one for anger and I am angry all the time, angry at everything. I have less patience with the kids and I know they don't understand it. I just can't cope. I can't deal. I want to crawl back into my shell and hide. All I want to do is sleep. All I want is to be alone. I am even having trouble leaving the house again. Couldn't even manage to drive the kids to school last week made them walk everyday because i couldn't make myself walk out that door. I hate that this is happening to me. I hate that I have to hide it all the time and pretend like everything is fine. I have to act strong even if I'm not in front of the kids, in front of my parents. They keep telling me that I am there strength right now and that they rely on me so much and all I feel is pressure to be what they want and need from me right now.I don't feel strong, all I feel is weakness.
You can come along and join me in the Monday Madness blog hop over on the Words In Sync blog. It a blog hop for those suffering with or dealing with mental illness in an way, shape or form. A wonderful resource.
Spiraling Image by Ken Timm