I feel like I am spiraling out of control once again and I hate it. I hate feeling out of control. I hate the changing moods, the anger, the depression I hate it all. At the beginning of this year I really thought I was doing well. I felt more centred, more grounded, happier tha
n I have been in a really long time. Then we found out how sick my dad really is and everything went out of focus, I lost control of it all. I wake up each morning feeling a sadness beyond belief. It stays with me each and every day. I have fleeting moments where the girls make me happy. But that's all just fleeting moments.I'm not usually one for anger and I am angry all the time, angry at everything. I have less patience with the kids and I know they don't understand it. I just can't cope. I can't deal. I want to crawl back into my shell and hide. All I want to do is sleep. All I want is to be alone. I am even having trouble leaving the house again. Couldn't even manage to drive the kids to school last week made them walk everyday because i couldn't make myself walk out that door. I hate that this is happening to me. I hate that I have to hide it all the time and pretend like everything is fine. I have to act strong even if I'm not in front of the kids, in front of my parents. They keep telling me that I am there strength right now and that they rely on me so much and all I feel is pressure to be what they want and need from me right now.I don't feel strong, all I feel is weakness.
n I have been in a really long time. Then we found out how sick my dad really is and everything went out of focus, I lost control of it all. I wake up each morning feeling a sadness beyond belief. It stays with me each and every day. I have fleeting moments where the girls make me happy. But that's all just fleeting moments.I'm not usually one for anger and I am angry all the time, angry at everything. I have less patience with the kids and I know they don't understand it. I just can't cope. I can't deal. I want to crawl back into my shell and hide. All I want to do is sleep. All I want is to be alone. I am even having trouble leaving the house again. Couldn't even manage to drive the kids to school last week made them walk everyday because i couldn't make myself walk out that door. I hate that this is happening to me. I hate that I have to hide it all the time and pretend like everything is fine. I have to act strong even if I'm not in front of the kids, in front of my parents. They keep telling me that I am there strength right now and that they rely on me so much and all I feel is pressure to be what they want and need from me right now.I don't feel strong, all I feel is weakness. You can come along and join me in the Monday Madness blog hop over on the Words In Sync blog. It a blog hop for those suffering with or dealing with mental illness in an way, shape or form. A wonderful resource. 
Spiraling Image by Ken Timm
4 comments:
I hate to hear how awful you've been feeling. Its natural to feel bad and even angry when we are faced with information which scares us and which we have no control over. Don't hate yourself for that - and please don't hide it from everyone either. You might be surprised that the same issue is having a negative effect on other family members too. Perhaps a problem shared could be a problem halved?
At the very least share it with your psych consultant. Perhaps up your meds for a while - you could have the extreme of these moods controlled that way, allowing yo to feel the very natural anxiety for your father. Remember, not ALL of your sadness is illness. And none of it should provoke shame in you.
Tanks for you support this week. I do hope you're feeling a little lifted soon. Shah .X
Sandra,
It is understandable how frustrated you feel. But please, don't take it out on yourself, honey!
One key to living with mental illness is to accept it. It is what it is, by no fault of your own. So please, don't hate yourself for it, it works counterproductive.
By hating how we respond, we hate ourselves, cuz mental illness is part of us. Don't do that to yourself.
I know it's hard to accept, it's ok. It will take time.
Be kind to yourself as you would to someone else in the exact same situation (advise from my own counselor that he reminds me of on a regular basis :)
Take care!!!
(((hugs)))
Fenny
I know it's extremely discouraging Sandra to live on a roller coaster ride, but persevere. Your children need you and YOU are worth it! I honestly think it takes a lifetime of work to deal with mental illness, which leads me to believe that maybe there's some greater good in it than pain. As Shah mentioned, it would be good to connect with others in your community that really understand.
Your feelings are very familiar to me and though I'm sure you already know this things will come around again. I don't know how old your girls are but my kids are 17 and 18 and have been dealing with me and my moods/anger since they were toddlers. They are incredibly resilient and forgiving.
Post a Comment