Mental Health Monday On A Tuesday

This past month seems to have just flown by. I am still waiting for an appointment with mental health to have my medications changed and waiting is so frustrating. My dad has been home from the hospital for a month now and is getting worse each day. I have been so worried and so stressed my moods are changing like crazy. Happy one minute, intense sadness the next. Sometimes it is so hard to hide all this in front of the girls. Especially when I want to just hide alone somewhere. That's what I do when I get upset or stressed. I hide. I stop talking to people, I stop leaving the house, I even stop getting dressed. I just wish I could control the mood swings better. They change so quickly that they even take me by surprise.

Mental Health Monday

The past few weeks have been so overwhelming for me that I have noticed the depression and anxiety have worsened. I haven't been getting dressed, haven't been leaving the house, haven't even been blogging. This week I've finally decided enough is enough and I have taken many steps to getting things done ... regardless of how crappy I am feeling. I guess sometimes I just need to remind myself to take that extra step, to push myself a little harder. Sometimes I just get so caught up in how I am feeling that I let everything go and I back away from everything and everyone. Each day I need to make that added effort to not let the depression and anxiety win. I can beat this!

Mental Health Monday

I have been waiting almost three months for an appointment with the psychiatrist to have my medications looked at and changed. I got a phone call the other day cancelling my appointment with no idea of when it may possibly be rescheduled and am now back on a wait list to see her. It is so frustrating. The things that are causing my depression and anxiety to be worse are happening to me right now. If the meds need to be changed it needs to be now. Sometimes I get so frustrated with the mental health system. It can be so difficult to receive the help needed when it is needed. I am getting by and getting through my days but I know that with a med change I could be doing so much better. I could be coping effectively. So, so frustrated today.

Mental Health Monday

Lately it's as if I am running through every single emotion I can have all in one day. My moods

change at the drop of a hat. Happy one minute, sad the next. So panicky, so anxious, so afraid. I know that these emotions will even out they are just me reacting to what's going on in our lives. I just wish I felt like I had more control over my body, over my mind.

The Icarus Project : Depression in 20 Words Or Less

The Icarus Project has posted a PDF document that I think is really awesome.

Each page describes some form of depression in 20 words or less accompanied by a photo.

I can relate to so many of the pages. You can view this project here: www.theicarusproject.net/files/twenty_words.pdf

This image is just one of the many in the PDF.

Frustrated With Waiting

It's been about six weeks now since we found out what's wrong with my dad. In those six weeks I have changed so very much. I am constantly sad, I get angry easily, am just exhausted all the time, I'm having nightmares, I am back to not wanting to leave the house. I know that with the changes going on in our lives right now that my medications are not working for me anymore. I have spoken to my family doctor about it. Her answer was that I am on too many medications with high doses and she does not want the responsibility of making any changes. She referred me to a psychologist at the local mental health office. I have now been waiting a month for them to even call and say they got a referral to book an appointment. I am getting so frustrated. I know something has to be changed for I feel I am regressing with the depression, with the anxiety. Every day I am feeling worse. So frustrated that I need help and can't access it when I need it. So frustrated.

Thursday Thirteen : Canadian Facts About Depression

1. About 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men will suffer from depression at some point in their life 2. Almost 1.5 million Canadians have serious depression but less than 1/3 of them seek medical help 3. 54% of people feel that depression is a sign of weakness 4. Depression/anxiety is the leading cause of disability among women 5. About 15% of women with serious depression will commit suicide 6. About 10 % of women will experience post-partum depression in the months following the birth of their children 7. Depression in women generally occurs most frequently between the ages of 25 and 44 8. Men with serious depression are three times as likely to commit suicide 9. 1 in 7 men will experience depression within three months of being unemployed 10. Children who experience depression are more likely to have a family history of depression 11. Depression/anxiety occur about 15% in those over 65 12. In Canada it is estimated that the costs of depression is upwards of $25 million 13. Depression is the result of complex interactions between life situations, thoughts, emotions, physiology and actions http://www.bayridgetreatmentcentre.com/facts_statistics.html http://chealth.canoe.ca/channel_section_details.asp?text_id=2743&channel_id=155&relation_id=3970 http://www.comh.ca/antidepressant-skills/work/resources/factsaboutdepression/

DYNAMO: Currents

The idea originated from the blog life love paper . Seems like such a wonderful way to share and record those things that are going on in our lives this very moment. Thought I'd try it out as well and Wednesdays seem to suit me the best. So, here goes. listening: to If we Are The Body by Casting Crowns eating: just coffee drinking: as much coffee as I can stand wearing: p.j. pants a t-shirt and sweater feeling: like getting stuff done weather: beautiful - sunny and -2 degrees wanting: to stop feeling so sad all the time needing: to hurry and and get my apt with the psychologist to change my meds thinking: about my dad and all that's to come in the next few months enjoying: some quiet time alone wondering: if I will go for another walk today

Spiraling (Monday Madness)

I feel like I am spiraling out of control once again and I hate it. I hate feeling out of control. I hate the changing moods, the anger, the depression I hate it all. At the beginning of this year I really thought I was doing well. I felt more centred, more grounded, happier than I have been in a really long time. Then we found out how sick my dad really is and everything went out of focus, I lost control of it all. I wake up each morning feeling a sadness beyond belief. It stays with me each and every day. I have fleeting moments where the girls make me happy. But that's all just fleeting moments.I'm not usually one for anger and I am angry all the time, angry at everything. I have less patience with the kids and I know they don't understand it. I just can't cope. I can't deal. I want to crawl back into my shell and hide. All I want to do is sleep. All I want is to be alone. I am even having trouble leaving the house again. Couldn't even manage to drive the kids to school last week made them walk everyday because i couldn't make myself walk out that door. I hate that this is happening to me. I hate that I have to hide it all the time and pretend like everything is fine. I have to act strong even if I'm not in front of the kids, in front of my parents. They keep telling me that I am there strength right now and that they rely on me so much and all I feel is pressure to be what they want and need from me right now.I don't feel strong, all I feel is weakness.

You can come along and join me in the Monday Madness blog hop over on the Words In Sync blog. It a blog hop for those suffering with or dealing with mental illness in an way, shape or form. A wonderful resource.

Spiraling Image by Ken Timm

Disability

When I'm Hurting

"WHEN I'M HURTING
It's easier for you to walk away, than it is for you to reach out to me.
It's easier for you to look away, than it is for you to see the depth of my despair.
It's easier for you to look through me, than it is for you to see 'me.'
It's easier for you to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care.
It's easier for you to hear, than it is for you to listen.
It's easier for you to judge, than it is for you to understand.
It's easier for you to label, than it is to get acquainted.
It's easier for you to bask in your joy, than it is for you to feel my pain.
It's easier for you to bewilder at my mysteries, than it is for you to probe deeply into the depths of my soul.

It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes.
It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk.
It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection.
It's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held.
It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me.
It's easier for me to die, than it is for me to face life's challenges.

It's hard for me to smile when I am hurting.
It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand.
It's hard for me to reach out when I need help the most.

If only you'd really look at me and see who I am.
If only you cared enough to reach out when I push you away.
If only you'd hold me, without asking why.
If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings.

But it's the easy roads that are most often taken.
And so I hurt alone.

--Jo A. Witt
Copyright 2000

I came across this poem the other day and it just seems to fit what's inside my head right now. I always take the easy road. Maybe it's time to try the hard roads instead. Maybe then I'll fly.

My thoughts for this morning...

You know it has taken me a really long time to be able to deal with the fact that I have mental health problems. I think really it's because I've always been afraid of what other people thought of me. I have spent so much of my life trying to live up to my idea of "perfect" and believe me mentally I am far from perfect. After my kids were born I started having panic attacks and depression. As I have aged, unfortunately the anxiety, panic, depression and worry have intensified. I used to be afraid of getting help but now I realize that just because I have mental disorders does not make me any less of a person. The fact that I am seeking out help and trying to change this part of my life makes me a stronger person. So today... hats off to mental health professionals. Without you I'd be an even crazier person than I already am.