Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Mental Health

I haven't really felt much like sharing myself on my blog this past little while. I've missed it, but have never know what to share, there has just been so much going on in my head.

I have posted a few times on my blog in the past about mental illness. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for almost ten years now. It is not something I share easily with others. I have come to the realization lately that there is no shame in sharing this part of myself too. It is as equally a part of me as is the love I have for others. It is a big part of who I am.

Attempting to get help in the mental health field has often been frustrating for me with appointments where I feel like I get nowhere and waiting lists. I guess I've known since the beginning of this that something was "wrong" with me. I've know that there was something "wrong" with my thinking and my thought process. I've known that the image I have of myself is self-destructive. I've known that I needed help. But, I always thought I was alone in all this, that I was the only person who felt the way I was feeling. This past month I have discovered that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). You can learn more about BPD here . I have been on a wait list for an intensive therapy program through Mental Health called Dialetic Behavior Therapy (DBT) . I've known that I was on the wait list but I had no understanding of what the program was all about. This month I finally got a call from Mental Health saying that my turn had come up for DBT and asking if I was still interested. Heck yes! I've been waiting for so long. I went into my appointment and learned of the psychiatrist's diagnosis of BPD and I learned about the actual DBT program. The more I learned the more things started making senseto me. I finally had some explanations for the feelings I've been having, pieces were starting to fit together, I was finally seeing that I am not alone. I began really wanting to get better - to seek treatment. DBT starts for me this week. It is one year of intensive therapy. I am terrified of the commitment involved but I am also feeling so hopeful about the outcome of therapy. I have also started back into my addictions counselling on the recommendation of my counsellor at DBT. My addictions counsellor is great - she seems to have a real understanding of where I am at and what I am all about. Today she told me that she thinks I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Researching this tonight, that too makes a whole lot of sense. Learning lots these days but feeling hopeful.

My counsellor suggested that I do the following exercisedaily, so, I've decided to blog it. Perhaps this will help as a reminder to do it everyday. I am to compile a gratitude list - 3 things that I am grateful for and then I am to write as positive statement about myself (whether I believe it or not.) So here goes... my answers for today:

Gratitude List and Affirmation:
1. I am grateful for my beautiful girls. That I have the opportunity to be their mom.
2. I am grateful that I am finally committing to making changes in my life and learning about what drives me to make the choices that I make
3. I am grateful for my computer so I can learn new things everyday and have the opportunity to make some really great friends

I am stronger than I allow myself to believe.

1 comment:

jillconyers said...

Sandra your patience and persistence with the waiting lists was no doubt frustrating but it will be worth it. Feeling hopeful is a good place to start :)

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