Friday, September 07, 2007

My Little Emily

Last night we had an incident here with Emily that still this morning makes my heart hurt. The girls were just getting ready to get into bed and I was in the kitchen getting them water. Emily came into the kitchen and handed me a balloon she's had for almost 2 weeks, she said she didn't want it anymore and asked me to pop it. I popped the balloon and then heard Amber's voice from her bedroom crying saying "mommy that one was my balloon." I turned to Emily and asked her why she had asked me to pop Amber's balloon and Emily ran sobbing into her bedroom saying it was an accident. I went in and talked to Amber and she was okay - she said it was just a balloon and calmed right down. Emily was still in her room sobbing so I went into her. She said she had grabbed the wrong one because it was too dark for her to see. She had huge tears coming down her face. She then proceeded to start saying "I am so mad at myself" she was angry with herself that she had made a mistake. She then continued saying "I am so mad at myself" for about 15 minutes. The part that hurt me so much was that you could really tell she meant it - she was really mad at herself. She also started saying "I hate myself" and "I am a bad girl." It broke my heart to hear these words come from my 5 year old. She said them like she really meant them and I ached for her. I kept holding her and telling her I loved her, that she was not a bad girl, and that it was just a mistake. It is still really bothering me this morning this whole conversation with Emily - does she really hate herself? does she really think she is a bad girl? These are such huge things for a 5 year old to believe about themself. As they have grown I have tried so hard to teach them the importance of loving who they are - perhaps I am not doing enough...

4 comments:

Heather said...

Children are amazing complex. Not unlike how adults are! And even when you do all the right things they perceive things differently than we intended. Ask her why she would think such things and see what she says.

Stephanie said...

Wow, that is a hard one for a mommy to take! I think if anything you should be proud that you have raised a little person who can be genuinely sorry when they do something wrong. Also, when you are little everything feels big. Don't be too hard on yourself. As Mommy's sometimes all we can do is say "I love you" and give lots of hugs.

toners said...

Firstly, ((hugs)) to you; this is a tough one to handle as a mom! I think a nice talk is needed; I don't think at 5 my DD really knew the meaning of "hate"; I bet it's similar with your DD. Sometimes it's hard for them to articulate their feelings when their vocabulary is still somewhat limited. Good luck!

Lynn said...

It is always difficult to hear your own child say something like that about themselves. I wonder if some kid that she plays with said something like that to her. I would question her as to why she thinks that about herself. I'm sure you've said all the right things and done all the right things, but why does she feel this way is what you need to find out. I can tell that this is really upsetting you as it should. I would be upset also. Just keep giving her all the hugs she can take and keep telling her that she is wonderful, bright, loving, great and perfect whenever you can. Maybe that will strike a cord with her and she will see all the things that you see.

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