Living with mental illness every single day of my life makes me often feel like I am wearing so many different masks. It is getting to be so easy for me to hide what is really going on in my mind, the thoughts running around in my head. I let different people see different things. But I never let anyone see the real me. You see, I am scared to. I really believe that if I showed people the real me that they would see how crazy I really am. That thought terrifies me. So instead I hide behind all these little masks. I need to remember to be REAL, to be AUTHENTIC, to be ME always.
The more I am learning about borderline personality disorder the more the things I do make sense. I am definitely someone who appears put together on the outside but who is a mess on the inside. For people with BPD this can be common.
The book Imbroglio: Rising to the Challenges of the Borderline Personality Disorder says "...the borderline appears always to function well, especially in professional or academic situations that are structured, supportive or both. Meanwhile she is binding her interior fragmentation with shoestrings, perhaps spending many, many hours crying hysterically or using self-destructive behaviors to cope." It's almost as if I am living parts of my life in contadiction.