My Word and goal for 2010

Dear Universe ...

I had a conversation with an amazing friend this past weekend and it keeps going through my mind. I was talking about not working and how the job I want the most in the entire world is to be a photographer. My friend wanted to know what is stopping me. The answer to that is Me. I have always been what has stopped me. So here is me trying to overcome my fears and insecurities saying DEAR UNIVERSE I AM GOING TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER ... there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.

AMBER JANE TURNS 10

Dec 10, 1999

I can hardly believe it. My beautiful Amber Jane is 10 years old today. I don't feel like I am old enough to have a child who is 10. The time seems to have flown by so fast. I remember back to the day she was born. I was so scared and so very emotional. My whole life I grew up wanting to have family that belonged to me by blood. I know that seems strange but being adopted made me feel like I had no one that belonged to me. I wanted to have children and have the opportunity to be a mom. I am not sure that at that point in my life I realized all of what "being a mom" would entail. As Amber has grown so have I. Every single day I am growing into role of Mom that I have so greatly treasured and cherished.

2000

2001

2003

2004

2005

It has been absolutely amazing watching Amber grow these pat 10 years. She is turning into a beautiful little lady. One I am so very proud of. She is growing and changing so fast I can hardly keep up. Before long there will be no more being tucked in and cuddling. So for now, I am going to hold on just a little tighter when I get t o cuddle.

2006

2007

2008

2009

What Borderline Personality Disorder feels like...

Borderline Personality Disorder: Part 2

What's A Girl To Do ???

Man I wish I was Sookie Stackhouse. Oh to be in that girl's position to have to make a decision between Bill & Eric - Well what's a girl to do? As I said ... I wish I was in her position.

So, who would you choose for yourself?

Eric?

or Bill?

Eric & Bill are both very different men. There is something so appealing about both of them. Something that draws Sookie in. Something that draws me in...

Here's what I see in

BILL COMPTON:

dark, smooth voice

those eyes ... so deep

gentleman

mysterious

absolute gentleman

serious

possessive

Here's what I see in

Eric Northman:

powerful

sensual

thoughtful

strong (physically & mentally)

loyal

incredible ass ... I mean body

commanding

Who should Sookie end up with?

Me, I'd like to see Sookie end up with Eric. Perhaps it's because I'm partial to Eric. Perhaps it's because he's so hot. Perhaps it's because of what I've learned about his character in the books. Whatever it is I like Sookie ending up with Eric.

Dear Santa ... I've tried to be a good girl ...

If I end up on the Nice List here's my Christmas list ...

Wordless Wednesday

My Best Shot Monday ... on a Tuesday

I know, I know today is Tuesday but I had to post this one - kind of proud of it. :)

Beautiful Sunday

Straight Out Of The Camera Saturday

My Favorite Things Saturday

One of my favorite things this week was going out to Maximillian's for dinner with my family on my birthday. It is my absolute favorite restaurant in the whole world. What an awesome birthday treat!!

Beautiful Sunday

Straight Out Of The Camera Saturday

My Favorite Things Saturday

One of my favorite things was taking the girls to the apple orchard last week and then making apple pies with Emily for Thanksgiving.

Straight Out Of The Camera Saturday

My Favorite Things Saturday

One of my favorite things is my family's tradition of spending Thanksgiving at the lake. My cousins always come to help take out the docks and get the cottage ready for winter. Mom always cooks a big turkey. We all have so much fun making memories and just being together. Today is the day we will have Thanksgiving at the lake this year. I can't wait to see my family and make new memories and take new pictures.

Straight Out Of The Camera Saturday

My Favorite Things Saturday

One of my favorite things is fall harvests: pumpkins, squash, apples, oh so yummy and beautiful to see in abundance.

Blur

Lately I feel as though I am living life in a blur. Just a blur of color, emotion, memories. Nothing is clear, nothing has detail to it. I don't like living this way. I want detail to my life. I want it to be meaningful. I am not sure if the blur comes from all my med changes recently or what it is, but I hope the blur clears... soon. I hope things become more visible, more detailed, more defined.

Straight Out Of The Camera Saturday

My Favorite Things Saturday

One of my favorite things is the beauty of the changing colors in fall.

My Best Shot Monday

Straight Out Of the Camera Saturday

My Favorite Things Saturday

One of my favorite things this week was the evening the girls and I went to the park. the temperature was perfect. The sky absolutely incredible. One side was a gorgeous sunset, the other dark black clouds. Beautiful. We played on the play structure and the swings and then walked around the docks. Such a nice relaxing time with the girls.

Thoughtful Friday

Friday Fill-Ins

1. My car (van) needs to be cleaned.

2. Mom's birthday is coming up next.

3. Lately, things seem a little more routined now that school has started.

4. My house is one of my favorite 'hiding' places.

5. What happened to the innocence of children? They grow up so fast these days.

6. Dealing with my mental illness is not impossible!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to playing SIMS, tomorrow my plans include watching movies and Sunday, I want to clean the kitchen!

Borderline Personality Disorder

This video is so close to describing how I feel everyday of my life. I have spent so long thinking I am crazy. The more I am learning about BPD the more I am discovering that there are others out there who feel like I do. i am not alone.

Wordless Wednesday

Masks

Living with mental illness every single day of my life makes me often feel like I am wearing so many different masks. It is getting to be so easy for me to hide what is really going on in my mind, the thoughts running around in my head. I let different people see different things. But I never let anyone see the real me. You see, I am scared to. I really believe that if I showed people the real me that they would see how crazy I really am. That thought terrifies me. So instead I hide behind all these little masks. I need to remember to be REAL, to be AUTHENTIC, to be ME always.

The more I am learning about borderline personality disorder the more the things I do make sense. I am definitely someone who appears put together on the outside but who is a mess on the inside. For people with BPD this can be common.

The book Imbroglio: Rising to the Challenges of the Borderline Personality Disorder says "...the borderline appears always to function well, especially in professional or academic situations that are structured, supportive or both. Meanwhile she is binding her interior fragmentation with shoestrings, perhaps spending many, many hours crying hysterically or using self-destructive behaviors to cope." It's almost as if I am living parts of my life in contadiction.

My Best Shot Monday

This is Emily and our little Ghoster. He passed away last nigh and Emily is just devastated. This is my favorite picture of Emily with Ghoster.

Do you ever have one of those God moments that just blows you away?

Here it is 1 am. The house is quiet, the kids asleep and I am wide awake. At this early hour I am feeling tired, beaten, just really low. It's been a tough week for me. I have found myself questioning God and His decisions all week. I have been angry.
The house is quiet so I turn on my playlist for some music. I don't know what made me say it but as I went to choose which song to start with I just held onto the mouse, closed my eyes and said "God show me which song, show me what it is that you want to tell me." I clicked on this song. You Never Let Go by Matt Redman. I've always loved this song but the lyrics are really hitting me hard this morning.

You Never Let Go by Matt Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

(Chorus)

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Just one of those God moments that has blown me away.

Beautiful Sunday

Straight Out Of The Camera saturday

My Favorite Things Saturday

Our kitten Ghoster

Thoughtful Friday

Some recent layouts